I was watching a lot of Planet Earth this weekend and thought it would be cool if I brought my camera around with me and recorded all the “wildlife”. The first series would document the several kinds of bums I come across. Here are the most prevalent:

“Cupshaker” : Known as “The Rapping Bum” to locals, he is not very selective about his diet, like most bums. Scavenging on whatever he comes across, no morsel on the ground is beneath him. He uses complicated rhymes like “I’m out here slippin’ on this ice, all I need is a dollar to get a pizza slice” to lure unsuspecting college aged teenagers into donating upwards of $2 for food. Also, if you think you recognize the bike he’s riding, it’s because he stole yours.

“Gimme Hendrix” : Newly discovered just this past fall this bum uses his talent for playing the guitar to survive. Laying down tasty licks from a stoop on a busy street corner, his smooth melodies place those who pass him in a trance. It is widely argued whether or not he plays with his eyes closed by choice or if he’s just really loaded. Though undocumented, locals swear that both Gimme Hendrix and Cupshaker have combined on hunts before, coming away with almost $20, the largest haul by bums ever.

“Chaz” : Known throughout the region as “that bum who will do flips for a dollar”, Chaz has perfected the art of back-flipping off of any nearby structure. Legend has it (as told by Chaz himself) he honed his craft while competing as a semi-professional skateboarder, but this myth has been shot down by the fact that Chaz ingests large amounts of cocaine on a daily basis. Still, one must wonder how many back-flips a homeless man must do in order to sustain a cocaine habit.

“Snot Nosed Brat” : Not much is known about this bum, and his bizarre medical condition only adds to the mystery. Whether it is during the frigid Ohio winters or the muggy, humid summer months, this bum consistently has frozen snots hanging from his nostril. Medical professionals in the area have been baffled by the condition for years.He also has been known to self-inflict deep flesh wounds in order to con money from patrons of the local 7/11. (Seriously, he had a knife sticking out his leg one time when I got a slushy, scared the shit out of me.)