College Humor’s Drug Survey said 67.75% of people who have smoked pot said that they have been too stoned before. I crunched the numbers and that same 67.75% are the only people who I can get to sit through an entire screening of “The Wiz” without walking away muttering “what the fuck is going on?”
When I have been standing at a crosswalk for 5 minutes waiting for the light to change, there’s no need for the person next to me to eye me up and down and then go press the button to get the walk signal. They don’t think I tried that 4 minutes ago? When they sized me up did they come to the conclusion I was incapable of knowing how a crosswalk works? I’ve never come so close to tripping someone in the middle of a main street before.
My Mom forwarded me this email over the weekend from The Miami-Dade County Police Department. When I asked her about it she was generally concerned that she was going to get gunned down. I tried to convince her she was safe in a secluded CT suburb, but I was laughing to hard.
Bulletin from D.A.R.E Officers
DON’T FLASH HEADLIGHTS AT ANY CAR WITH NO LIGHTS ON!
Police officers working with the DARE program have issued this Warning: If you are driving after dark and see an on-coming car with no headlights on, DO NOT FLASH YOUR LIGHTS AT THEM!
This is a common ‘Bloods’ member ‘initiation game’ that goes like this: The new gang member under initiation drives along with no headlights, and the first car to flash their headlights at him is now his ‘target.’ He is now required to turn around and chase and spot that car, then shoot and kill every individual in the vehicle in order to complete his initiation requirements. Police Departments across the nation are being warned. Their intent is to have all the new bloods nationwide drive around on Friday and Saturday nights with their headlights off. In order to be accepted into the gang, they have to shoot and kill all individuals in the first auto that does a courtesy flash to warn them that their head lights are off. Make sure you share this information with all the drivers in your family! Please forward this message to all your friends and family members to inform them about this initiation ritual. They are also known to drive with high beams on and will do the same as indicated above.
With the NBA playoffs starting today, I have a few thoughts of my own. Now, everyone at ESPN has been pleading for a Celtics-Lakers matchup to bring back the tradition of years past. What they don’t realize is that most of the kids watching the NBA weren’t alive for the Bird and Magic era. What everybody wants to see is a Jazz-Celtics NBA Final. What better way to reach your viewers than relive the matchup they grew up with while watching the classic “Celtic Pride”? This rivalry was so fierce that Daniel Stern and Dan Akroyd kidnapped the teams best player, Damon Wayans. I never heard of anyone kidnapping Magic or Bird back in 1987. So I’m rooting for the Jazz and Celtics, if only to relive the rivalry I grew up with.
I went to a Fondue Restaurant for dinner. There’s nothing that compliments a meal better than a piece of cheesecake dipped in a steaming hot bowl of peanut butter and chocolate. After, I suggested we keep with the night’s 70’s Swingers Theme and “exchange keys”. No one really went for it but I guess it worked out. I mean, me and my parents live in the same house anyway, what would’ve been the difference?
This CH article (linked above) really got to me. I almost can quote “Airborne” word for word. I am one of the few who noticed that Uncle Louis was played by Professor Dewey from “Saved By The Bell”. In the past year I’ve not only seen it at least a dozen times, I actually went out of my way to rent it from Best Video in Hamden. However, knowing that “Airborne” was a national treasure, the manager there refused to let me buy it even when I offered him $20 FOR A VHS. Losing this iconic film from his inventory would be equivalent to burning the store to the ground. I wasn’t angry, I knew exactly how he felt.
(Is there a more intense action scene than the race down Devil’s Backbone? Good Lord, a teenager is run over by a car!)
The other day I was turning on to a main road and over committed to the inside lane, which forced me to cut another driver off. I noticed that I peel out like I’m coming out of the pits at Daytona because I’m scared to make eye contact with the driver I offended. I’ll cut off other drivers just so I don’t have to look at the driver in that tricked out PT Cruiser Woody.
I sit in the front row for class. I always do, and I don’t know why. That being said, the teacher can see everything I do. Today he caught me staring at the person sitting next to me. Now, it wasn’t awkward because I was looking at some girl who wore 1/3 of the clothes needed for the current weather conditions. In fact, it was a kid in my class who most closely resembles C(K?)arl Winslow that I was staring at. It was awkward because I was watching this kid trying not to fall asleep for 20 minutes. He would start to close his eyes and then shake it off like a boxer trying to get up off the mat for one more round. When his head bobbed back and forth my eyes were right there with him. Now, what was my teacher upset about? Was it that I wasn’t paying attention to the lecture? Or was it that I didn’t bother waking my classmate up so he could join us on our academic journey? Who knows?
I am proud to say that Ohio State has the coolest President in the entire country. This strapping 64 year old man was out from 9:30 to 1 am last Saturday going from party to party just to say hi to his students. My parents are 15 years younger and they have to DVR anything that is on later than 9 PM.
I don’t know if I’m sick or if my body is finally starting to reject the dozens of footlongs I’ve had from Subway since they started selling them for $5. Honestly, there is a limit to how many Subway Clubs one could have in 2 weeks, isn’t there?
"Bro, why did Juno just cut that dude's nuts off?"
I saw “Hard Candy” starring Ellen Page the other day. I am 100% confident in saying that this movie, along with “Deliverance”, are in the top 3 on the list of movies that will never be watched by a group of men.