My friend Jake convinced me to switch to Tumblr from Wordpress. My posts from the last few months are below if you want to check them out. Now a random thought for the day…
I don’t think it is necessary for every single movie to have the disclaimer about how “The events depicted in this movie are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.” I can’t picture somebody sitting there watching Little Big League and thought “What the fuck, they ripped me off!”
The other day I was eating lunch and overheard the conversation between two guys next to me. It went something like:
Meathead 1-”So you banged Jen?”
Meathead 2-”Yea, but it was nothing to write home about.”
Now, I understand that “nothing to write home about” is a common phrase but this situation just seems completely inappropriate. Does Meathead 2 normally write back to the folks about all his sexual encounters at school, or just the really good ones? How does he decide which sexual romps are worth a stamp or not? I imagine his letter home would read something like:
The other night I bagged some serious poon. You don’t even fuckin know, this turbo-skank let your little boy do whatever he wanted. I had this chickadee slobberknocking my cock before I went and played in the mud (tell Dad it’s not all it’s cracked up to be). I got with some other chick last week but she was total lot lizard and I didn’t think she was worth writing home about. Anyway, see you at Easter.
I’m sure you’ve seen the trailer for “Doomsday”. A plague breaks out, there’s a quarantine, people go nuts blah blah blah. How come in every movie that takes place in the future people have to wear crazy makeup and have mohawks? Did the leader of the group come forward and say “Hey, you know what? Fuck it, its the future we’ve got a disease and the government abandoned us. Let’s dress like Dee Snider from Twisted Sister and live in a lawless society.” Did they become experts at applying makeup before or after the deadly plague struck their population? Why do some people develop evil British accents while others do not? Also, I’ve noticed that within these societies there’s an inappropriate amount of people who ride dirt bikes and other off-road vehicles.
This past weekend I gave my roommate the nickname, “Leadfoot McShutthefuckupimtryingtostudy”. The “Leadfoot” part comes from her stomping up the stairs so loud you’d think someone just told a 5 year old they couldn’t have candy for dinner and they threw a hissy fit. The “McShutthefuckupimtryingtostudy” part comes from her being the loudest talker of all time. I heard from 2 stories up that a 14 year old got syphilis (sorry kid, you win some you lose some). The worst part is that 75% of her phone calls are on speaker phone WHILE SHE’S HOLDING THE PHONE TO HER EAR! If you could think of one possible explanation for that I’d be glad to hear it, because I’d call you an idiot and punch you in the neck for suggesting something so stupid, which would be a good way for me to vent my anger.
Say you’re walking down the street with one of your friends. As you’re walking, you run into a friend he knows and that you don’t. They get to talking about something and you’re left out and standing to the side. What’s the proper etiquette for your situation? How far do you stand away from the two having the conversation? One stride’s length? Two? Do you face them? Then it looks like you’re trying to listen to their convo. Do you turn your back on them? Then it looks like you’re offended by not being included. I have no idea the answer to any of these questions.
It bothers me when someone says “what’s going on” while we’re just passing each other in the street. Clearly we’re walking in opposite directions so how could I possibly have time to fill you in on everything that’s going on in my life. Should I scream “my dog just died, I’m kind of bummed” to you while you’re a half of a block in the other direction? Let’s keep it to a friendly nod.
I got caught in a marathon of “bless you’s” the other day in class. I was just trying to be nice by saying it to the girl behind me when she sneezed the first time. Little did I know that’d she go on a 1 hour and 15 minute sneezeathon where every 30 seconds I’d be saying it. I already committed to saying “bless you”, I couldn’t back out, could I? Then there was the awkward moment where I had gotten used to her usual back-to-back sneezing pattern, which backfired. I had grown accustomed to saying “bless you” after the second sneeze. Then, she sneezes and goes into the deep breathe getting ready to sneeze, but it never comes. So I’m stuck there waiting and before I can say bless you, some jagoff next to me says it and gives me a look like, “where were you on that one?” I shot a look back like he had just smacked a full milkshake out of my hand while passing by on the street. Pure disbelief. I’VE BEEN HERE FOR OVER AN HOUR AND YOU COME OUT OF LEFT FIELD AND STEAL MY BLESS YOU AND THEN HAVE THE BALLS TO CALL ME OUT? SCREW YOU KID WHO WEARS THE SAME “CKY” SHIRT EVERYDAY!
So I have to incorporate narration in my final project for my Video Production class. Wouldn’t it be cool if someone created a program where you type in what you want said and then a celebrity voice narrates? The only voices needed are those of Morgan Freeman, James Earl Jones and Ron Howard.
Have you ever noticed that they never say the word “penis” on those late-night infomercials for men’s penis enlargement pills? How am I supposed to take you seriously in the field of penis enlargement when you can barely say “that certain part of a male body” without getting a weird creepy grin on your face? Just give me a reason to trust you…
Speaking of movies that aired on USA 6 years ago, there’s a sequel to Lake Placid coming out! That’s right. I know the 9 year hiatus between killer giant crocodile movies was hard to get through, but finally our collective prayers have been answered! Obviously it won’t be the same without the comedic tag team that was Oliver Platt and Brendan Gleeson, but I’ll get by. I’m pretty sure it’s the exact same script but with new actors that vaguely resemble those from the original cast. I wonder how it ends? They probably shoot it with a big gun.
I’ve noticed that AMC has really lowered the quality of movies they air over the last few years. “Black Dog” starring Patrick Swayze is an American Movie Classic? Really? That’s the same quality of movie that used to be on USA in the afternoons when I would fake sick and stay home from High School 6 YEARS AGO. How did AMC regress into USA’s inbred cousin? I wouldn’t be remotely surprised to see “Leprechaun In The Hood” on AMC tomorrow.
One thing I definitely want to do before I die is participate in one of those Murder Mystery games at a giant mansion. Kind of like the one in that Saved By The Bell episode where they were at a mansion with a butler, maid and a rich guy. Clearly it was all a sham I don’t know why Slater and Kelly and everybody fell for it, it was so fucking obvious that the same 3 people were doing all of the characters. I mean how dumb are they?! But I digress. I just think it would be a cool thing to do. If they exist and anyone is participating in one just let me know, I’m game.
Yesterday I tried to put on a shirt and ended up getting lost inside it while trying to find the head hole. I was stuck for a good 5-10 seconds with an endless sea of white cotton in front of me. My level of fear at that moment was comparable to what it would it would be if a giant tiger was mauling me to death. Funny how that works out.
I always feel uncomfortable eating any kind of fruit in public. Eating an apple is awkward because I make an angry scrunched up face when I take giant bites out of it. It just doesn’t look right. I guess a banana’s cool but I like to take the peel completely off before eating it. It just looks awkward and is something to be done in the privacy of my own home.
(Note: If someone knows where the title for this post came from without googling you’ll have my undying friendship for life)
Around Christmas time I was sitting around with my parents watching “The Polar Express”. I convinced my mom that it was a psychological thriller with Tom Hanks starring as a serial killer/pedophile who lures unsuspecting children into captivity with a giant train and a promise to go to the North Pole. Meanwhile the FBI, led by Harvey Keitel, tries desperately to track him down. She waited for about 40 minutes then she realized that it was just a heartwarming Christmas movie. I still think my idea would make a hell of a movie though.